Reflecting

I have spent a lot of time reflecting lately.  You’ve probably noticed I haven’t posted in a while.  I have my reasons, but I do apologize for the short break.  There is so very much going on in my life at the moment, and it’s actually been difficult for me to sit down and write out anything.  I did however start working on a specific chapter of my book, which deals with AD, after divorce.  During my brain storming and mind mapping of the chapter, I realized that although I thought I had forgiven my ex-wife for the things she did, both during and after our divorce, I really had not forgiven anything.  Let me give you an example.  During our separation, she did everything to block me from getting into our home to get my things.  Even after a judge ordered her to let me in, she still did not.  In this process I lost more than $15,000 of personal property that was legally and morally mine.  I came to terms that I wouldn’t get my things, and in a sense I guess I thought that was my way of forgiving, but it was a facade.

I am still angry with her for, in my opinion, not doing the right thing and letting me have my property, but I have to accept that that is the way she is, and always was.  I have forgiven her at this point.  I am still a bit bitter about a lot of things that happened, but dwelling on them, and the past is only making my present and future depressing.  That means that I no longer expect her to act any way other than she always has.  I forgive her for blaming everyone but herself for any problems.  I understand that she can’t mentally handle being the bad guy.

Now, I’m not saying any of this to put her name in the mud, no, this story isn’t about her, it’s about me and it’s about you.  I know my situation with my ex-wife isn’t the worst one that someone could be in, but for my it was bad, and for me to finally figure out after 4 years that it isn’t about her, it’s about me.  Putting the past in the past isn’t easy sometimes, but for you to have a healthy, bright future, it is necessary. If I can do it, trust me you can too.

When they say forgiving someone is a gift, not for them, but for you, they are absolutely correct.

Until next time, dear readers...

(Another) Word on Divorce

So, I still get a lot of questions about my divorce and how I’ve coped with it. Here’s what I’ll say, everything else (well, this too) is in my book, be looking for that.

My divorce.  It changed my life, in all sorts of ways, and really to this day affects me.  With no details being given, let’s just say I had a reason to mistrust, and there is little else on this earth that hurts like having to say goodbye to someone who is still living, especially when you have so much you’d like to say, but you know it would fall on deaf ears.

The night I was essentially kicked out of my own home was horrible, I still occasionally have nightmares that relive that evening.  I literally lost (almost) everything, with just four words, “I want a divorce.”  Of course, there were some problems, but the ones she was bringing up were things that had been resolved, so she was just looking for a reason, and I wasn’t ready to end things just yet, but that didn’t matter, she was done.  There was no, “Hey, I think we are having issues, let’s work on them,” there was just a “get out.”

It cuts incredibly deep, and has changed the way that I look at any new relationship.  I’ve been through several relationships, and there is always several factors that are different now.  First of all, I have three beautiful girls and their opinion means a great deal to me.  Being the sympathetic children they are, if they see that the person is making me happy, then they like them, if not, well, they let me know.  As I’m looking for a potential lifelong partner, their opinion is almost more important than mine in some regards.  I’ve had my parents weigh in on occasion, and again, I value their opinion, but what it all boils down to is trust.  Can I trust this person? There have been those I trusted, even after my divorce, which turned out to be a bad idea.  There has been a lot of emotions going through my head as I had tried to date.

Where am I at now?  Well, that’s my business, but let’s just say, finding the right person to trust and love isn’t easy, and when you do, it has the potential to be absolutely amazing.  I’m extremely careful whom I place my heart in care with.

Special Special Edition: It's Not You, It's the Kids

Ok, pull up a chair and get ready, it's time for my soapbox rant. That's right, sit down.  Now that you have sat down, you've probably realized that you can not get up, that's because I put glue down before you came in.  If you want the release agent, you have to wait until I finish my rant.  Captive Audiences are always the best listeners.

As you probably know, my wife, Lyndsay (love you honey), is a teacher.  She is a special education teacher to be exact.  She is the Special Olympic's Coach for her school district. She has put this project (unpaid mind you) first (aside from family. Well, the kids, I think she forgets to feed me sometimes).  She has spent countless hours with practices, paperwork, ordering supplies and arranging everything for the events they attended.  I'm proud, she is an awesome person and I'm lucky.

Here's the thing: she hasn't really told anyone about all the stuff she's done.  Usually when she does tell someone it's a vague reference to the efforts she's put forth. She's that way on a lot of stuff, but to me, this was significant.

Her athletes were awesome.  I was able to witness them at one of the two McDonalds fundraisers that was held, and not only did they raise a lot of money, they had fun and were happy to do so.  I've did a lot of fundraisers in my time, and I can say that fun isn't in the description.  Matter of fact, it was the opposite, maybe agony is a good word.  Maybe it was my leader, maybe it was my attitude, there are a lot of factors it could have been.  Their leader, their attitude and their determination was literally awe inspiring (yes, literally - I know my use of language).  If you've seen any of the picture of them during the events or during\after the medal ceremony, you know they had fun and it was a very special time.  You'll also see a smiling Lyndsay a lot.  You can tell that all the work not only made them happy, but it gave a huge sense of joy and satisfaction to her.

I can't speak for most people, but for all that work, I'd expect some huge pats on the back, and if I didn't get them, I'd either make people pat me on the back (trust me it's awkward.  Not for me, for them) or I'd get upset for people not knowing how awesome I was.

I've read about some people lately in similar situations, and in the articles I've seen, there was a lot of hidden bragging about the leader, and their past accomplishments.  Who cares.  Ir's not about you, it's about the kids.  I see articles like that and I get so frustrated because it's like they are missing the point entirely.

Well, I'll step down off this pretty soapbox.  Oh, as for the release agent for your seats that you are glued to ... I lied, I only had the glue.  You'll either have to take off your pants or walk hunched over with a chair on your hind quarters.  Until Thursday dear reader!

-James