Reflecting

I have spent a lot of time reflecting lately.  You’ve probably noticed I haven’t posted in a while.  I have my reasons, but I do apologize for the short break.  There is so very much going on in my life at the moment, and it’s actually been difficult for me to sit down and write out anything.  I did however start working on a specific chapter of my book, which deals with AD, after divorce.  During my brain storming and mind mapping of the chapter, I realized that although I thought I had forgiven my ex-wife for the things she did, both during and after our divorce, I really had not forgiven anything.  Let me give you an example.  During our separation, she did everything to block me from getting into our home to get my things.  Even after a judge ordered her to let me in, she still did not.  In this process I lost more than $15,000 of personal property that was legally and morally mine.  I came to terms that I wouldn’t get my things, and in a sense I guess I thought that was my way of forgiving, but it was a facade.

I am still angry with her for, in my opinion, not doing the right thing and letting me have my property, but I have to accept that that is the way she is, and always was.  I have forgiven her at this point.  I am still a bit bitter about a lot of things that happened, but dwelling on them, and the past is only making my present and future depressing.  That means that I no longer expect her to act any way other than she always has.  I forgive her for blaming everyone but herself for any problems.  I understand that she can’t mentally handle being the bad guy.

Now, I’m not saying any of this to put her name in the mud, no, this story isn’t about her, it’s about me and it’s about you.  I know my situation with my ex-wife isn’t the worst one that someone could be in, but for my it was bad, and for me to finally figure out after 4 years that it isn’t about her, it’s about me.  Putting the past in the past isn’t easy sometimes, but for you to have a healthy, bright future, it is necessary. If I can do it, trust me you can too.

When they say forgiving someone is a gift, not for them, but for you, they are absolutely correct.

Until next time, dear readers...

Truths Be Told Here

OK, so being honest is one of the best traits a person can have.  Honesty is always the best route to take, even if it hurts.  Why does it hurt though when we tell the truth?  Sometimes when we tell the truth it may hurt others feelings, but if you lie to them, you are not only delaying that hurt, but making it a lot worse because that person will know you lied to them when they find out the truth.  Sometimes we lie for our own personal reasons, almost a self preservation mechanism.  For instance, children will often lie when asked if they did something wrong, even if they did it right in front of you.  It almost seems like deception is in our nature, but with work and perseverance, you can win that battle.  Here are a few truths (with my now famous “no explanation” list):

1. I don’t always call people back.
2. M&Ms are my go-to cheat snack. They will be the death of me.
3. As much as I try not to, I will let some people down, and it hurts deeply each time.
4. I have a very small circle of very close friends, and a medium circle of great friends.
5. I worked in a call center for a flower company for a week, but the callers were way too negative for me.
6. I love photography.
7. My goal is to be a personal trainer full time.
8. I don't always smile, but that doesn't mean I'm unhappy.
9. I have cut my left knee open twice, once when I was 4 and once when I was 12.
10. I have a fondness for all superheroes, but I specifically have a Batman complex.
11. I have five tattoos, with plans for more.

I know, kind of random, but sometimes my brain is random.  As always, you can send me all your comments, questions, or concerns, directly to me at jaydee.riggs@gmail.com.  And for those of you wondering about the next podcast, hold on tight, it is in the works.

Until next time, dear readers...

(Another) Word on Divorce

So, I still get a lot of questions about my divorce and how I’ve coped with it. Here’s what I’ll say, everything else (well, this too) is in my book, be looking for that.

My divorce.  It changed my life, in all sorts of ways, and really to this day affects me.  With no details being given, let’s just say I had a reason to mistrust, and there is little else on this earth that hurts like having to say goodbye to someone who is still living, especially when you have so much you’d like to say, but you know it would fall on deaf ears.

The night I was essentially kicked out of my own home was horrible, I still occasionally have nightmares that relive that evening.  I literally lost (almost) everything, with just four words, “I want a divorce.”  Of course, there were some problems, but the ones she was bringing up were things that had been resolved, so she was just looking for a reason, and I wasn’t ready to end things just yet, but that didn’t matter, she was done.  There was no, “Hey, I think we are having issues, let’s work on them,” there was just a “get out.”

It cuts incredibly deep, and has changed the way that I look at any new relationship.  I’ve been through several relationships, and there is always several factors that are different now.  First of all, I have three beautiful girls and their opinion means a great deal to me.  Being the sympathetic children they are, if they see that the person is making me happy, then they like them, if not, well, they let me know.  As I’m looking for a potential lifelong partner, their opinion is almost more important than mine in some regards.  I’ve had my parents weigh in on occasion, and again, I value their opinion, but what it all boils down to is trust.  Can I trust this person? There have been those I trusted, even after my divorce, which turned out to be a bad idea.  There has been a lot of emotions going through my head as I had tried to date.

Where am I at now?  Well, that’s my business, but let’s just say, finding the right person to trust and love isn’t easy, and when you do, it has the potential to be absolutely amazing.  I’m extremely careful whom I place my heart in care with.

Simple Relationship Advice

So, I get a lot of questions asking for advice in different aspects of relationships.  I don’t know why, I clearly am not a good example when it comes to ships, as in relationships.  However, I am learning. Here, in my famous format, is a list of tips for relationships.

1. Never stop winning your partner over, just because you landed the relationship, it doesn’t mean you need to stop that.
2. Learn.  Things may go good, or go bad, but learn, and admit your part and work on it.
3. Love yourself first.  You are an amazing person, and you need to realize that before you let anyone try to love you the way you need to be specifically loved.
4. Put your phone down.
5. Listen.  Don’t just hear what they are saying, but listen.
6. Sometimes people just need compassion, not guidance.
7. Treat every day as a new opportunity to express how your partner makes you feel.
8. Don’t avoid issues, deal with them.
9. Be completely honest, not just with your partner, but yourself. Especially yourself.
10. When in doubt, talk it out.
11. Never miss an opportunity to praise your partner, not just in public, but in private too.
12. Long lasting relationships are not two people needing each other.  They are two people who do NOT NEED one another, but choose every day that they WANT each other, and show their partner that at every opportunity.

There, that’s a good start.  I am by no means saying I’m proficient at any of these, but these are a few of the things I’ve learned that help relationships grow and stay strong.  If you feel you can’t do all of these, gladly and with pride, maybe it’s not the right relationship. There is no rule that says if you are in love with someone that they are the right person for you.  As someone who has had several failed attempts at relationships (including a failed marriage), let me tell you, sometimes your love for someone isn’t the same as their love for you. Feeling ashamed and embarrassed is not a part of a healthy, “right” relationship.

I can’t tell you if you are with the right person, and even if I did, what are the chances you would really listen?  As humans, we don’t like to admit we are ever wrong, because over the centuries being wrong has been associated with being a failure.  I’ve learned more about myself and about life in general by being wrong than I ever have by being right.  Being wrong has brought me to where I am in my life, and right now, I’m pretty happy.  I know that there is still a lot of work for me to do, but getting things wrong is how I will get there.  

Until next time, dear readers...

A Simple Yes or No

In life, we as human beings tend to try to over complicate things.  We create problems where non exist.  On the other side of that coin, we also have a tendency to overlook problems, or ignoring issues all together.  We are a complicated species.

I’ve been guilty of both sides of this problem on multiple occasions, and will likely continue to do so to a certain degree.  I had written up my next blog post and it was more or less a rant piece on why people can’t see what’s glaring at them in the face sometimes.  Even with someone pointing it out,m it’s like they have blinders on in that regard.  It ended up getting more personal than I had intended, which made me realize, I was too close to the situation.  I really took a few steps back any analyzed  (over analyzed I’m sure), the situation  and that’s when it dawned on me.  Sometimes when people say they want your help, that’s not exactly what they mean.  They mean they want your support, even if you see the dangers of their actions, they just want you there to listen, to tell them it will be ok, even if that may be a lie.

There is a big difference between respecting someone’s choice and agreeing with it.  Sometimes we get so fixated on an end result, we ignore bothe the good things and bad things that happen along that journey.  I still respect my friends choices, and I won’t point out any red flags anymore,  I will acknowledge the good things that were a result of that person’s choices. Admittedly that puts me in a quiet position most of the time, but people will see what they want to see and are quick to place blame on those who point out someone else’s error.  People need to choose for themselves what they will and won’t accept in regards to how they are treated.

This has been a hard lesson for me to learn.  I grew up with a mindset that right is right and wrong is wrong. You don’t act a certain way, and you don’t allow yourself to be treated a certain way.  People grow up differently though, and what isn’t acceptable to one person is completely acceptable to another.  I’m not saying one person is right and the other wrong, I’m just saying their perspectives aren’t the same.  

Sometimes being honest means not being kind, or telling people things they already know, but don’t want to hear.  I’ve started implementing a very simplistic way of thinking.  It’s a yes or no system.  Does the person know what you are going to tell? Yes? No need to tell again, they don’t want to hear it. Will it harm the person to say it? Yes? Don’t say it.  Do they want your opinion? No? Just give them your support and be there to listen,  A lot of life’s big issues can actually be boiled down to a yes or no answer system.  Do you know it’s harmful? Then don’t do it. Do you have faith that it can be done? If yes, put you’re all into it.  Always remember though, if your all isn’t good enough for it, it’s not good enough for you.

Also, I want to bring up for the billionth time the word honesty. Just be honest, it saves time, heartache and so much more,  I respect someone who hurts my feelings by being honest so much more than someone who lies to try to not hurt them.

Until next time, dear readers...

Falling Into Place

Those of you who know me pretty well (and even not so well), know that I'm an optimist at heart.  I like to believe that good things happen to good people.  I like to believe that everything will eventually be ok.  I like to believe those things, but it's not always true.  I've generally been a good person, and I've had a lot of crap happen to me.  I've had a lot of adversity to overcome.  I've came out, for the most part, on top.

Without trying to sound terribly mean, I've heard that my ex-wife's boyfriend has said "looks like the better man won."  I whole-heartedly agree, but it's not him.  I'm a better person than I ever was when I was married.  That's not to say that my ex-wife held me back, or was a hindrance.  Well, that's what I'm trying not to say at least.  Since the divorce, I've been forced (kicking and screaming) to take a hard look at myself.  I've said before, I didn't like what I saw, and I really didn't.  I've changed my outlook completely on life.  I've started taking better care of myself and others in my life.  I'm just better off, but I really didn't start that journey until about six months ago.

Rewind the clock back to October 2017.  I was overweight.  Things weren't going my way.  I was unhappy, and by proxy made others around me unhappy.  To those people, I apologize, and I've tried to make up for it ever since.  I wasn't as heavy as I have ever been (which was 230 lbs, btw), but I was overweight.  I was around 215 or so and 30% of my body was fat.  I've came a long way.  I now weigh in at 172 lbs and 14% body fat.  How did I do it? Diet.  Exercise.  The most important of the two? Diet, hands down.  I switched to a high protein diet and well, I go to the gym a lot.  The muscle building has helped to mask what fat I have left on my body.  The diet though was the part that slimmed me down so much.  I now have that "V" shape that athletes strive for.  I'm not where I need to be, but, hey, I'm not done.

Six Month Progress Picture

A Few Progress Pictures

Again, am I where I want to be? Physically? Emotionally? Nope.  It's good to have goals, and one goal that I have is to simply move forward.  

Until next time dear readers...

The Big D

Without any further ado, let's just jump right into today's topic.

PREFACE This post actually took an emotional toll on me that I wasn't expecting, so please take into mind that I'm pouring out a serving of my soul before you email or post anything too hurtful.  I am putting myself out there more than I'm actually comfortable with on this one, ladies and gentlemen.

The Divorce
First off I want to say my relationship with my ex-wife wasn't all for not.  I have three beautiful daughters as a result, and I would endure the troubles and pain a thousand times over for them.  The question I get asked the most about my divorce is “What happened?”  Well, a lot did. People also like to place blame. There was enough blame to go around in our case. She was never the loving, caring partner I wanted and needed her to be. I had internal (and external) struggles that were, admittedly, my own fault. There was no support to speak of at home. Eventually she just had enough. I get it. This isn't to say she didn't have faults, they were, as mine, many.  While married, I overlooked everything because she was, after all, my wife and the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.  The thing that hurt me more than anything though was the way things went at the end of our time together. Through all the denials and lies, infidelity did happen. We all know how I feel about that. What makes it worse is that in a small town, news travels fast. My girls have to deal with the comments and cruelty of children (and some adults).

Things should have been handled differently for sure.
I make mistakes, and I will continue to, but not as many and not the same ones again.


Meeting New People\Dating
Since the divorce, I've had a few relationships. I've talked to a lot of ladies.  I was given some advice, "If she's not talking to you, she's talking to someone else."  Horrible advice.  If she is that fickle, good, talk to someone else, it's her loss, obviously not mine. As I said, I've had a several girlfriends, nothing solid.  In a couple of cases, I was really the only one in the relationship, and after years of that, I just don't want anything like that anymore.  In the end, was it my fault the relationship didn't work out?  I don't know.  Maybe that's a good enough reason to stay single.

Were there mutual breakups? Sure. What that usually means though, is that one person wants out and the other is the bigger person and lets them pursue their interests in someone else whom they think will make them happy\happier (but eventually it fails) because they care more about that other person than they do themselves. You can see who lost more in that situation and they will never even know.

The Future
If I had my way, sure there would be a Mrs. Riggs in the future, but I just can't see that happening at the moment.  I'm not completely discounting the idea, but I want to be with someone who will put her phone away when I'm with her.  In today's society, that's a sure sign she digs you.  You know, someone that you think about when you go to sleep, and is on your mind when you wake up.  Spending time with that person feels like a privilege that you can't live without.  I'm not going to get into any more feelings, I'm drained.

The Moral
To quote poets Bill S. Preston, Esq. and 'Ted' Theodore Logan, Be excellent to each other.  Seriously. Treat every person with the kindness that they do (or even don't) deserve.

New Things

Well, I've made several huge changes in my life.  The diet, the exercise, the divorce, and changing jobs.  It's really life.  I've started a brand new life.  It's scary.  I mean it's frighteningly scary at times.  On the plus side, it's all positive.  I have some negative things going on in my life too right now, but I try not to focus on those things.  They are temporary, and all my positive things I'm striving to make permanent.  It's not an easy task, but seeings the results of my efforts is making it all very worthwhile.  It's a learning adventure as well, by that I mean I'm learning a lot about myself along the way.

Normally I'm the last person to compliment myself, and I don't know if that was a self esteem issue or what, but now I can see the positives in myself and I am proud.  I mean I don't go around professing how great I think I am, but I'm not afraid to brag a little if the occasion arises.  I'm also more receptive of compliments, where as in the past I just assumed people were trying to be nice instead of honest.  I've had several people over just the last few weeks tell me how nice I am.  I finally asked one why they think I'm nice.  The response took me a little off guard.  They said that I did favors, tasks or was just generally there for them and I didn't expect anything in return.  I don't ever do something with the intention of having something done for me in return.  It's sad that some people treat kindness with the expectation of a return on investment.  Be nice, people.  You'll be better for it, and so will the world.  I guess that's today's public service announcement.  Do with it what you will.

Since there has been so much interest in the health and fitness series I wrote, I'm going to try to include a little tip in each blog entry.  I won't today, because honestly, I just got through working out (it's 11:00p) and I've got yo be at work at 7a, so I'm cutting this one a bit short. More to come soon.

Until next time dear readers...