Don’t be That Person

Never let someone else’s negative or misplaced attitude and actions discourage you from becoming the best person you can be. 

Meetings and Partings

In our life we will have many meetings and partings.  I have spoke about this before. Some partings are final, some are not. Meetings happen all the time. 

Something to think about is that you will have just as many partings as you do meetings, in one way or another. I know it’s morbid,  but eventually we will all have to say goodbye to everyone, so make the time you have with people count. 

Without going into detail out of respect for both parties, let just say I'm not in the same relationship I had been in. I'm not upset about my situation, in fact I have three wonderful ladies who keep me pretty busy as it is.   

I know people like a good story, but the long and the short of it is that sometimes people just are not compatible. It’s the lead a horse to water saying in practical application, going both ways, if that makes sense. I’ve learned a lot about myself, good and bad, but more than anything I discovered my self worth. 

Someone once told me to focus on myself and the right people will enter my life, well, that seems very true at this point. I do have a great support system and a back log of leather projects, so that helps a lot. I am at a point where the future is looking pretty good.  I do have some things to get past, and I do have to get back on my diet and exercise plan that I've neglected. And my writing! I now have so much to add, I might get it completed!

Sometimes things hurt.  Things hurt for a reason.  I have been told for some time from multiple sources, that people come into your life to be a lesson or a blessing, I believe this.  There isn't a positive or negative connotation added to this, it's just a fact. I have learned a lot and although there have been so many reasons for me never to try again, I am and I will, and I'm very happy with that part of my life right now.

Everyday is a struggle. Work (Leather business), depression, anxiety, children, people who want to butt into your business, the list goes on and on.  I'm dealing with it on a daily basis, and it wears me down, but when you have the right and true people in your life, it gets easier, and that's where I'm at, well, I'm at the beginning of that phase.

Thank you for a the birthday wishes yesterday, it made me feel incredibly loved!

There are more adventures ahead, we will just have to see what they are, but rest assured, things will not get dull.

Until next time dear readers...

Things I Learned in the Hood

I grew up watching Mister Rogers.  I watched him change into a cardigan, changes his shoes, and teach me about being a kind, gentle human being.  Sometimes his lessons were so simple, but the message attached was incredibly large and complex.  With some of the things that have been going on in my life, I started thinking about this, What Would Fred Rogers Do?  Not super catchy, but it got me to thinking, and here are 20 life lessons from Mister Rogers, and a little about what they mean to me.

• Each One of Us Is Special and Unique
• This is something that I've tried to pass on to my children.  There is not another one of them in the world, and there never will be.
• You're Never Wrong to Have Feelings
• This hits home right now, because I have said this innumerable times lately to one of my daughters.  She has been made to feel guilty for feeling how she is feeling.  If you are so narcissistic that you try to make your children feel guilty for not feeling the way they should, you should not be allowed around children at all.
• Love is Sacred
• The L word isn't something to use lightly, although it is so often.  Love who you want, for whatever reason you want.  As long as you are both rowing the boat in the same direction, you will reach your destination.
• Use your Imagination
• As we get older, we start being way too analytical, we need to see things with the mind of a child.  We could get so much more accomplished as a species if more people trusted their imagination.
• Stay Positive
• This is so hard.  I try my best, but I often have to make it an active thing to stay positive.  Things could be worse, so be happy and thankful for what you have.
• Look for the Helpers
• This was something Mister Rogers mother had told him.  There is so much chaos going on in our world, and so much negativity, but look for those helping.  They are the ones who are compassionate towards their fellow man, we all should be helpers.
• There is a Very Simple Key to Success
• As Mister Rogers said, there are three ways to succeed.  The first, is to be kind.   The second is to be kind.  The third? Be KIND.  No need to elaborate.  Don't break Wheaton's law.
• Listen
• Do not hear things to respond, listen to things to think.  There is a huge difference between hearing and listening.
• Don't Avoid Difficult Subjects
• Things happen.  Loved ones die, people get divorced, and people fall on hard times.  Be there for your children, so them, tell them what you are going through, let them know that they have the right to feel however they want to, just don't let them forget that they are loved.
• You Don't have to be Perfect
• I still have problems with this one.  We are all flawed.  The term perfectly flawed does apply to this, in the sense that we are who we are.  Our flaws might be severe, but without them, we couldn't be who we are.  Our flaws don't define us, how we handle them does.
• There's More to Life than Coming in First
• I've had numerous coaches in varying sports over the years, and the best among them, in my opinion, did not have the goal of being first.  I'm sure they wouldn't have minded it, but it was more crucial that the team works together, has fun and improves their ability.
• Embrace Growth and Change
• Things change with the times, holding on to the past is only holding you back.
• Imagine
• This is slightly different than using your imagination, in a sense.  Imagine what you can be.  Imagine what you can do.  Dream it, and make it real.
• The Things that Frighten you aren't Really that Scary
• This is an excellent lesson for all of us.  Obviously, the smaller message was explained to the children, those shadows at night in your room? Not real, you are bigger than them.  The larger message, we a bigger than any of our problems, we can and will get through them, and once you conquer them, things aren't quite so scary anymore.
• Take the Time to do a Good Job
• Anything worth doing is worth doing right.  Whatever you do, your name is attached to your work.  No matter what it is, put forth your best effort.  The harder part is figuring our what is worth your time and effort.
• There's Another Kind of Superhero
• Of course, not all superheroes wear capes.  As he was growing up, Mister Roger's fundamental ideas of what a hero was began to change.  Superman and the like, were of course heroes to him, but on a basic kind of level.  The real heroes are the men and women that go to work everyday to fight for our freedom, who maintain our civility and who do not know if they will return home safely at the end of the day.  That - is THE definition of a hero.
• Don't let Differences Divide People
• During the run on his show, racism and segregation were the norm, or it was for his generation, but he taught us that people are people. That's the lesson.  It doesn't matter what they look like, what color they are, how they identify themselves, none of it - none of it matters, because you know why? People are People, and we should show love and respect to them.
• Teach a Child to Love Books
• This starts with the parent.  Read bedtime stories to your children.  Practice your imagination, and just take the book in but make up a story involving them.  Use a different voice for each character, it will make them love diving into the stories from the pages or from your imagination.  Show them that reading is the key to maintaining a healthy imagination.
• Don't Forget What Really Matters
• Sometimes life is overwhelming, but just take a few minutes, sit back and remember what really matters.  Your family, your health, your happiness.
• Be Yourself
• Don't be fake. If you are fake, you will have fake friends, and when you are in a crisis, those fake friends will be nowhere around.  Do what you want, act like yourself, if people don't like it, that's not your fault, that is on them.  Be genuine, by amazing, be you!

I know this was quite a longer entry than usual,, but there is a lot going on, and I use this medium as a form of therapy.  I get a lot of feedback from you, dear reader, and I take in the good with the bad, because if you do not address your shortcomings, then they will lead to a large problem.  Please send me your comments\questions\concerns to me (jaydee.riggs atgmail.com), and I'll include some of them in my next entry!

Until next time, dear readers...

Everybody’s Working For The Weekend

Yeah, I borrowed a lyric from a song for the title, big whoop.  It’s actually relevant to my blog post, so I did it, sorry - not sorry.

Let’s dig right in.  The “ideal” workweek for Americans (and all of us Earthlings probably) is Monday through Friday 8 or 9 AM to 5 PM.  I know that’s not what the majority works (and the world couldn’t function if we all did), but the idea I’m trying to convey is that everyone wants a break.  They want some time to relax, work on a home project, or spend time with loved ones, more time than the 5PM - Bedtime schedule that the weekday provides.

::Enter Weekend, Stage Left::

The weekend, it seems to be the answer to all of life’s problems.

::Exit Weekend, Stage Right::

The weekend is never long enough.  Vacations are amazing, and they too, never seem long enough.  Actually sometimes too much of the wrong vacation seems like more than long enough, too long in fact.  That however, is a different story completely.  We spend so much time getting ready to relax or preparing for a break that the “normal” days go so fast because we are in a kind of autopilot.

Those who are friends with me on Facebook or follow me on Instagram know that a few weeks ago I had a cardiac scare.  My chest was hurting, I was’t as responsive as I should have been... It was just an awful experience and ended up getting a clean bill of health for my heart, but my GI system is being suspected of causing the heart attack like symptoms.  That makes more sense because I had GI issues as a teenager, and I really figured if I was going to have a heart attack it would have been at the gym, either doing squats or on the treadmill.

It made me realize that each day is special.  Every single day we are given, we can never get back, so it's best to make the most of each one.  Tell those you love that you love them, don't assume they know, it means a lot to someone to get validation or confirmation that you relationship is solid.

This is the point in my blog where I tell you if you want to make a life change, do it.  Don't wait, you might not get the opportunity to do it again.  Take the trip, kiss your love, embrace your children.  It's been said many times, but this hold true - your biggest regret will be not doing it.  Our most precious resource is time, and we each have a limited amount.

I'm not just talking to you, my lovely readers, but to myself as well.  I have some (potentially) life changing things in my future, and I'm ready.  Will I be scared? Probably, better pack more underwear.  Will I do my best?  Yes, and better.  If you have anything you've been wanting to start, whether it be getting in shape, changing careers or asking that special someone to be yours, do it.

Now, for those interested, I will be preaching this very message (slightly edited) to Cassie when we go on a plane or boat (she likes neither), or when I'm trying to talk her into riding a scary roller coaster.  There will probably be video if that happens.

As I draw to a close on this post, I wanted to thank you, dear reader.  I have a lot of readers, and a lot of questions sent to me, and you can keep them coming.  I personally answer each question, and sometimes I post them here in case a lot of people ask the same question.  I started writing this blog years ago as kind of a therapy, writing is very cathartic for me. Between this blog, my book of short stories, my biography, and my neglected personal journal I do write a lot.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that you have been a part of that therapy and I thank you.

Until next time, dear readers...

Truths Be Told Here

OK, so being honest is one of the best traits a person can have.  Honesty is always the best route to take, even if it hurts.  Why does it hurt though when we tell the truth?  Sometimes when we tell the truth it may hurt others feelings, but if you lie to them, you are not only delaying that hurt, but making it a lot worse because that person will know you lied to them when they find out the truth.  Sometimes we lie for our own personal reasons, almost a self preservation mechanism.  For instance, children will often lie when asked if they did something wrong, even if they did it right in front of you.  It almost seems like deception is in our nature, but with work and perseverance, you can win that battle.  Here are a few truths (with my now famous “no explanation” list):

1. I don’t always call people back.
2. M&Ms are my go-to cheat snack. They will be the death of me.
3. As much as I try not to, I will let some people down, and it hurts deeply each time.
4. I have a very small circle of very close friends, and a medium circle of great friends.
5. I worked in a call center for a flower company for a week, but the callers were way too negative for me.
6. I love photography.
7. My goal is to be a personal trainer full time.
8. I don't always smile, but that doesn't mean I'm unhappy.
9. I have cut my left knee open twice, once when I was 4 and once when I was 12.
10. I have a fondness for all superheroes, but I specifically have a Batman complex.
11. I have five tattoos, with plans for more.

I know, kind of random, but sometimes my brain is random.  As always, you can send me all your comments, questions, or concerns, directly to me at jaydee.riggs@gmail.com.  And for those of you wondering about the next podcast, hold on tight, it is in the works.

Until next time, dear readers...

Everyday Problems

So,  I’ve had a lot of people congratulating me on my fitness progress.  I have personally thanked each person, and I am proud of my outward transformation.  Losing 50+ pounds is an amazing feet for anyone, so I am not selling myself short, rest assured.  Now, the everyday problems I face aren’t so much outward as inward.

This might be a shocker to some, but I have mentioned this previously, I am bipolar, type 2. What does that mean? It means I have mood swings more than the normal person does (because even normal people have mood swings, don’t lie to yourself), and I end up depressed more than happy (or manic\hypomanic).  As a result, I try to keep all my feelings bottled up and inside.  I try to focus on the task at hand so I’m not worried about the million other things going on in my mind.  Like what things? Everyday things.  Do I have enough money for bills, groceries, and gas? Can I buy this thing I think I need and still be ok at the end of the month? How long can I drive with the needle on E?  Simple everyday stuff like that is what I dwell on and end up assuming the worst.  

How do I deal with it?  Well, medication sometimes helps (not at the moment), but otherwise I do like I said, get super focused on a task at hand.  As a result, when you see me at the gym, I have a very determined look on my face.  I didn’t get the nickname “The Machine” for nothing.  The down side to this is that when I’m in that mode, let’s use the gym as an example, it makes me very intimidating and unapproachable.  I don’t mean to come off that way, but I do see that when I’m in that mode, I can absolutely appear that way.  I can’t tell you how many messages I get from people I saw at the gym and they said they wanted to talk to me to say hi or whatever but it looked like I would have pulled them apart or screamed at them or something.  Let me assure you that I won’t do either.  If you want to talk to me, go for it, I’ll take my headphones off and take time for human contact.  You’ve got a green light, so go for it.

I always get a little kick out of when I hear about a wealthy person so started off with nothing talk about how their everyday money problems slowly went away and the problem was "what do I spend my money on?" instead.  That would be an awesome problem to have, just saying, but until then I think I can deal with the everyday problems, and I will, everyday.

Until next time, dear readers...

A Simple Yes or No

In life, we as human beings tend to try to over complicate things.  We create problems where non exist.  On the other side of that coin, we also have a tendency to overlook problems, or ignoring issues all together.  We are a complicated species.

I’ve been guilty of both sides of this problem on multiple occasions, and will likely continue to do so to a certain degree.  I had written up my next blog post and it was more or less a rant piece on why people can’t see what’s glaring at them in the face sometimes.  Even with someone pointing it out,m it’s like they have blinders on in that regard.  It ended up getting more personal than I had intended, which made me realize, I was too close to the situation.  I really took a few steps back any analyzed  (over analyzed I’m sure), the situation  and that’s when it dawned on me.  Sometimes when people say they want your help, that’s not exactly what they mean.  They mean they want your support, even if you see the dangers of their actions, they just want you there to listen, to tell them it will be ok, even if that may be a lie.

There is a big difference between respecting someone’s choice and agreeing with it.  Sometimes we get so fixated on an end result, we ignore bothe the good things and bad things that happen along that journey.  I still respect my friends choices, and I won’t point out any red flags anymore,  I will acknowledge the good things that were a result of that person’s choices. Admittedly that puts me in a quiet position most of the time, but people will see what they want to see and are quick to place blame on those who point out someone else’s error.  People need to choose for themselves what they will and won’t accept in regards to how they are treated.

This has been a hard lesson for me to learn.  I grew up with a mindset that right is right and wrong is wrong. You don’t act a certain way, and you don’t allow yourself to be treated a certain way.  People grow up differently though, and what isn’t acceptable to one person is completely acceptable to another.  I’m not saying one person is right and the other wrong, I’m just saying their perspectives aren’t the same.  

Sometimes being honest means not being kind, or telling people things they already know, but don’t want to hear.  I’ve started implementing a very simplistic way of thinking.  It’s a yes or no system.  Does the person know what you are going to tell? Yes? No need to tell again, they don’t want to hear it. Will it harm the person to say it? Yes? Don’t say it.  Do they want your opinion? No? Just give them your support and be there to listen,  A lot of life’s big issues can actually be boiled down to a yes or no answer system.  Do you know it’s harmful? Then don’t do it. Do you have faith that it can be done? If yes, put you’re all into it.  Always remember though, if your all isn’t good enough for it, it’s not good enough for you.

Also, I want to bring up for the billionth time the word honesty. Just be honest, it saves time, heartache and so much more,  I respect someone who hurts my feelings by being honest so much more than someone who lies to try to not hurt them.

Until next time, dear readers...

Start off With Truth

Ok, so, honesty is very important to me, so I’m going to take a minute and be completely honest with you.

At the moment, I am looking for direction in my life.  Being honest, I’m not where I want to be, and I am looking for the first step to get to where I want and\or need to be.  Do I want to spend the rest of my life at my current job, and living in my current situation? No.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, I work with some great people, and I may not live in a palace, but I’m happy to have a place over my head.

The ways of the universe, under God’s command, have placed me where I am in this moment for a reason.  It’s not my job to try to find that reason, honestly, it’s my job to learn from my situation, what got me here, and try to better myself.  I’ve said it before, but the only person I’m in competition with is myself.  I just have to be better today than I was yesterday.  I feel like I’m doing that, to the best of my ability.   Everyday I learn something about myself or others that I can take to heart and work on\with.

Do I want to be single forever? No, I really don’t, no matter what type of front I put on.  Finding that someone to spend the rest of my time here on Earth with is not an easy task.  I have met some wonderful people that will always be my friend, no matter how anything else worked (or didn’t work) out.  I am grateful.  My heart is thankful for everything, good or bad, I am thankful.  It’s not like I’m trying to hide myself away or anything.  I am putting myself out there, I am trying, and maybe I should be, or maybe I shouldn’t be, I don’t really know.  I know that I want to take an active part in my life and not just watch everything pass me by.

I have many friends.  I’m not talking about Facebook friends, I mean people I’m friends with in real life, you know, that you can talk to, not just text to.  Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has an opinion on what I should be doing, or trying to do.  That’s great, I appreciate input.  The thing is though, it is their opinion, like I said, so it is what they think from their point of view with the amount of knowledge they have about the situation(s).  I listen, I don’t just hear them.  Who knows, I might get that one bit of inspiration from a friend who is actually talking about something else.  I mean things work out in mysterious ways sometimes.

I’ve been continuing writing a chapter in my book that I know will never be read, its a chapter for me.  This chapter really captures a lot of my heart, and although I am releasing a lot of knowledge about myself in this book, what I am writing now is something I will share with no one.  Call it a more in depth journal entry, or what have you, but getting it out does help, ever so slightly.

On a final note, the podcast is taking off quite well.  I’ve gotten a lot of feedback, more good than bad, so that’s a sign, right?  Well, I’m going to let some (maybe) good news escape here - I was limiting my podcasts to 15 minutes for several reasons, but I’ve had an overwhelming response and many have asked if I can address x issue, but to do so would increase my weekly record time, so I’m removing that limit.  I’ll address everything sent to me up to the point I record.  Woohoo?

Until next time dear readers...

The Next Book

Well, I've started it.  My next book.  My last was really a short story, but it still counts. Search me out on Amazon if you are interested.  My new book, that will actually be book length, is entitled "How Not to Live a Life."  It's ironic (and meant to be), because it is telling you how to live a better life than I have.  I'm not saying I haven't had a great life, but I am saying there has been some crap happen that I wish didn't, so consider the book a list of detour signs for success.

In this book, I am brutally honest.  Anyone who know me knows that I demand honesty from my friends and those close to me, anything less is unacceptable.  The moment you stop demanding honesty, is the moment you stop receiving it.  In my book, I talk about my past, my family, my friends, and in general everything in my life.  Writing this book has been extremely hard because I'm facing issues I'd rather not remember or address, but, for the sake of humanity, I do.  I will lose friends over the book, and well, that's ok.  If me calling you out on your behavior upsets you, well, that's really your problem, not mine.  The interesting part is that I, for the most part, haven't named names, so I'll find out pretty quickly who's guilty of what, by their own admission of guilt.  Sad, but true.

To give you a preview of the book, here is an excerpt, from the chapter entitled "What Happened?"

Where do I start? Well, I guess I should start at the beginning.  Not the real beginning, but my last beginning.  Confused?  It’s ok, I’ll explain.  When presented with a big life changing event, you have a new beginning.  Most people don’t realize that, they think they are a victim and have to handle themselves how everyone tells them to.  That’s a lost opportunity to improve upon one’s self.  I’ve made a lot of mistakes.  I’ve had a lot of new beginnings, but I’ve wasted just about all of them.  Maybe I should start with examples of what not to do.  I have a lot, so, get ready for some crazy stories, some I have never spoke of until now.

January 9th, 2006.  I was working at Mercy Hospital, the same place my father has worked for over 40 years.  We usually had lunch together, either at the office or at my parents house, since they lived fairly close to the hospital.  We were eating in his office, it was Mexican fast food, it was completely unhealthy, and completely delicious.  At this point my Pa-Pa (my father’s father) has been a resident at the local veteran’s hospital.  He suffered from Parkinson's Disease. He had good days, and he had bad days.  It had gotten to the point that communication was extremely difficult.  Admittedly I didn’t visit him while he was in there as much as I should have.  It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, but after most visits I would find myself in tears, even sobbing sometimes, on my drive home.  My wife would ask me if I was ok, and I’d tell the lie that is most commonly told. “I’m fine.”  I wasn’t.  I wasn’t near fine.  I felt that I couldn’t really talk about how I felt with anyone.  My Pa-Pa and I were close.  We had inside jokes.  We could usually figure out what one was going to say before it was said.  I love him dearly.  

I don’t know if it was because of his age, his veteran status, or his awesome attitude, but he didn’t give a single crap what anyone else thought.  That’s something I still struggle with, but he had it down.  On work days at his house, deodorant was not worn.  He didn’t care what he smelled like, if smelling bad was a product of his hard work, then he wanted you to know it.  It was hilarious, well until we got in his truck to go drop off debris at the city dump.  Sometimes there weren’t enough windows to roll down in the truck.  On one particular occasion, my Pa-Pa, my father, and I all were working on my grandparents yard (this wasn’t uncommon, three generations of Riggs can get stuff done), we loaded up tree limbs and leaves into the back of my Pa-Pa’s 1985 Dodge Ram Truck.  I was sitting in between the two biggest influences in my life.  I loved these rides.  Now, the deodorant was still not present and I think my Pa-Pa got a kick out of the fact I wasn’t near a fresh air source and had to endure it.  He had an awesome sense of humor that aligned with my and my father’s.  We got to the city dump, my Pa-Pa was quick to inform us that he had to relieve himself.  We just thought it was a comment in passing, and that when we got back to his house that’s the first stop he would make.  Why we were under that assumption is beyond me now, but to our surprise at the time, he walked over to his back tire and began to water it.  In plain sight of anyone who might be around.  It was just us at the time, well and the attendant in his little building, butI don’t think he saw.

When I was 12, I was staying on my grandparents for the weekend.  Saturday was always shopping day.  They might not have got me much, but they always wanted to get me something while I was there.  This was a really special treat.  To continue, we went to the local mall one Saturday, my grandmother (Ma-Ma) had a hair appointment at JC Penney, and while waiting my Pa-Pa and I had some fun.  He took me to the arcade that was in the mall (a ritual that continued until the arcade closed down), and then he and I went to JC Penney to wait on my Ma-Ma.  He asked me if I needed any clothes, partially joking because he knew that at that point in my life, I didn’t care to go clothes shopping.  Well, we went ahead and looked, and wouldn’t you know it, I found something I liked.  They were a pair of long baggy pants\shorts that were a patchwork of black, blue and yellow.  They were a little expensive, but he saw me looking at them and asked if I wanted them.  I showed him the price, and he said, “Don’t worry about that, do you want them?”  I did, and he could tell I did.  He said he liked them too, which I thought he was just saying that not to hurt my feelings, or prevent me from getting something I liked.  He was incredibly awesome at putting others before himself.  That trait has passed down to my father as well, and I hope it continues to me.  It wasn’t very long after our purchase that my Ma-Ma came walking up to us, hair newly poofed up and colored.  She asked what we got, I opened the bag and showed her.  The change in expression on her face was almost immediate.  She couldn’t understand why I would want those, and more to the point, she couldn’t believe my Pa-Pa bought them.  This would be the first time my Pa-Pa would say this, but it wouldn’t be the last, not for years to come: “Hey, I liked the pants.”  I loved those pants.

Back to 2006.  While about halfway through our lunch hour, my father got a call from the veteran’s center that they had to take my Pa-Pa to the hospital by ambulance.  At this point, this was getting to be a semi-regular occurrence, as there had been issues with fluid needing to be drained from his lungs, and other ailments.  We were pretty much done, so we walked over to the emergency room.  When we arrived, they were about to buzz us in to go see him, when the double door entry to the actual ER patient rooms opened.  Dr. Black walked out of the doors.  You never see a doctor come out from that door into the waiting area.  We were oblivious, we never thought that he was coming out to meet us.  The doctor was blunt, he was known to have little to no bedside manner, and he said to my father, “Bobby, he’s gone.”  What? What happened? What do you mean he’s gone?  He went on to say he was gone before he arrived.  Have you ever had that feeling (or loss of feeling) in your legs, like you are about to just collapse to the ground? This sucked.  This more than sucked, this was like someone just reached in, grabbed my lungs, ripped them out and said, take a deep breath.  This was the end.

My first daughter was born on December 29, 2005, 11 days before my Pa-Pa’s passing.  I never took her to see him.  He was aware of her birth, my father made sure of that, but they never saw each other.  I didn’t take her to the veteran’s hospital because she was so young and could easily contract any one of the many airborne illnesses that I’m sure were present.  I have not ever, nor will ever forgive myself for that.  I’ve had multiple people tell me I did the right thing, and that they are sure my grandfather would have understood.  I don’t care.  I really don’t care about what everyone tells me about this, I feel like I robbed both of them of their only meeting they would have had.  I know that it probably wouldn’t have made any difference in anything at all, but coming from someone who never met his grandfather (my mother’s father), I really wish I could have made it happen.

After his death, I fell into a deep depression. My wife at the time couldn’t understand.  How could she? She never lost any of her family at that point.  I had already lost my Granny (my mom’s mother), which was hard on me too.  I don’t deal with the finality of death very well.  My father was probably the single greatest source of comfort during this time.  He too told me to forgive myself for not taking Victoria to meet him, but other than that, he had nothing but great advice.  I found it amazing, how my dad, who just lost his own dad, was able to tell me that everything would be alright.  He was wrong, but that’s not the point, the point is, he meant it.  When I say he was wrong, what I’m actually saying is, that things got better, or different, but never alright.  To this day, I still wish with all my heart that I could talk to him just one more time.  Whether it’s healthy or not, I regularly make it by my grandfather’s grave, I update him on what’s going on in my life, in my girls lives, and report to him on how his son is doing.

Since my Pa-Pa’s death, my Ma-Ma has now joined him in parting this life.  I now continue to talk to Pa-Pa, but I now let my Ma-Ma know how my sister is doing, how her children are doing, and I update her on my sister’s dog.  My grandmother loved dogs and so does my sister.  As I had a special relationship with my Pa-Pa, my sister had one with my Ma-Ma.  My sister has a tendency to have no filter, and as such she tells everything like it is, and what she’s feeling at the moment, you are aware of.  When my grandmother died, exactly 9 years to the day on my grandfather, well, she was a mess.  I say that only because that shows how distraught she in fact was.  My sister always can keep her feelings under a semi-loose control, but this was one of only a couple of times I witnessed unfiltered emotion from her.  I didn’t like it.  I knew she was sad, and I knew I couldn’t do a thing.  I got to wondering, is this what people saw in me?  Is it still what they see in me?  All I know is that in that moment, I realized that it was ok to mourn, and ok to cry, but it was even better to honor their legacy by living.

In my life, I have witnessed my father cry only five times.  The first was when a very close friend of our family died.  The second was when his father died.  The third is when his younger sister died.  The fourth was when his mother died.  The fifth time, well, I’ll talk about that one later.

Sorry this was a long one, trust me, it could have been a lot longer.

Until next time dear readers...

Putting Myself Out There

I've made mistakes.  No one's perfect.  As a matter of fact for the longest time, I was thinking about writing a book called "How Not to Succeed." Probably wouldn't sell much.  My point is, that I had to hit a low period in my life before I figured out I hadn't liked the path I was on.  Blessing in disguise, deep disguise.

If you're reading this right now and you aren't completely happy with your life, change it.  Take care of yourself first, then everything else will fall into place.  Obviously I don't mean stop caring about anyone and everyone who isn't you, but focus on yourself maybe a little more than you're used to.  I do my best to take care of myself, my family, and my friends.  The only truly important things in life.

This is my second attempt at this week's blog entry.  The first one, as my friends on Facebook know, got a little too real.  I started talking about a few too many things incredibly close to my heart, and I didn't want to put myself out there like that.  Call it a self-preservation mechanism or what have you, but I stopped before I got too far in.

So, on a different note, you know when you're getting old when you think, "Sure, I could go on that date, or I could go to bed early."  Yep, I'm at that point, or I'm avoiding a date because I'm afraid I'll mess up my diet completely in one meal. I realize it's silly, but hey, I'm a silly guy.

Now an update on the diet\exercise.  I've lost weight.  A lot of weight.  I've gained muscle, a good amount of muscle.  Things are going well and people are starting to take notice.  I've been asked I don't know how many times now how I'm doing it.  To make things easier I've shortened my answer to "Diet, Exercise, and Self-Discipline."  You would be amazed at how many people stop listening after the word diet.  I've found that the majority of people do sincerely want to lose weight, but they also sincerely don't want to give up the foods they love.  I empathize completely, I was at that same point.  I'm not joking when I say that the diet\exercise thing is a life change, not a temporary thing.  Somewhere in time the word diet was redefined as a temporary change in eating habits to lose weight.  That's not the definition though. A diet is simply, what you eat.  You can change your diet, but you can't really go 'on' a diet.  I hope that makes sense.

Reader Question of the Week:  I've heard that the endorphins from working out make you better happier, is this true?

I love this question.  The short answer, yes.  The truth is that's only the beginning.  Let illustrate with a little story.  There was a guy who was severely depressed, overweight, had no self esteem (to speak of) and couldn't get to sleep a night without medication.  One day he decided he had enough.  Something had to change.  He changed his diet.  He felt better.  He studied the mechanics of exercises, emphasizing weight lifting.  He made a plan.  He started the plan.  It was rough at first, the exercise wasn't new to him, but not exactly familiar either.  After he had been doing it for some time, he started to feel more confident in himself as a whole.  That confidence went far beyond the gym.  He continued to work out, pushing himself harder and harder, and although there were times of pain or fatigue, he pushed through.  He felt better.  A lot better.  He found that his general sense of well-being was at an all-time high. He was able to sleep without medication,  he was able to start seeing the man who he wanted to be in the mirror.  So yes, it does do that - and so much more.


Until next time dear readers...

Just another post about suicide

With the recent death of Robin Williams, the topic of suicide has been an incredibly hot topic, likewise depression.  This post will be a lot more serious than my usual rants, and for that I apologize in advance. Also, it is going to be hard for me to type, so please be kind.

The question has been presented a LOT of whether depression is a disease.  It is not.  It is an illness.  Often called Clinical Depression or Major Depressive Disorder, it is still an illness.  I am not belittling it be any means.  Since around the age of 13 or so I battled with clinical depression. It wasn't until I was 30 that my diagnosis was changed to the correct one, Bipolar Disorder.  Bipolar Disorder is considered a disease by the medical community.  I have no idea why, one is extreme lows, while the other is extreme lows and extreme highs.

While suicide is not limited to the depressed, the percentage of suicides that are depressed people are astounding. About 60% of suicides are people who have major depressive disorder\clinical depression. I'm not defending suicide, but merely pointing out that depression is a lot more serious than some would think.  I could spout off statistics all day, but what I really wanted to tell you is my story.

I have not committed suicide.  That much must be obvious, as I am also not a ghost and somehow this blog seems to get updated.  I am also not immune to suicidal ideation.  That's where you think about and sometimes fixate on how you would kill yourself.  It's not healthy, but it's not as unhealthy as carrying out a plan.  A common trait among Bipolar patients is suicidal ideation.  I've dealt with it for years and years thinking it was normal.  Didn't everyone think about how to kill themselves? Apparently not.

Without going into a lot of detail, there was a very low period in my life some time back, and for the first time I decided I should act on one of those plans.  I was close to carrying out my plan when Lyndsay foiled it.  She was mad, and for that matter, so was I - at her.  I was so close to just being done with it and now I wasn't.  Was I being selfish?  It's a matter of perspective - I thought I wasn't, she thought I was.  I saw it as a way to remove myself from the equation of life, and eventually my family would move on and be happier without me causing problems.  She saw it as chickening out to confronting problems I didn't want to face.  I can see her point, but in actuality, there was no simple problem for me to face.  I was in an extremely depressed state and EVERYTHING was wrong, not just one thing - but indeed everything I could think of, I had somehow managed to make worse, at least in my mind at the time this was the case.  I like to think I have a somewhat interesting perspective on suicide, not unique, just interesting.

I have been thinking a lot lately about whether or not suicide is selfish.  My realization is that yes, it can be and no, not always.  Suicide is usually lumped into one big definition in people's minds.  It's not a blanket definition that covers all suicides though - thinking so is being entirely too closed minded.  Some reasons for suicide can indeed be the very epitome of selfishness, while other reasons are the very opposite.  I won't get into the selfish reasons, they are more than I want to list, and honestly, some are exactly why I have thought about it.  The unselfish reasons.  Have you ever seen in a movie (hopefully never in person) a mercy killing? I mean when a person is in so much pain from an injury (war movies come to mind) that their friend or someone delivers a final blow to end their suffering? It's still murder, but no one bats an eye, as a matter of fact, they are praised for being so compassionate for that person's plight.  What if the wounds were not tangible?  What if they were so deep that everyday was so painful to endure that it was unbearable?  That person often doesn't want to burden someone else with the troubles of their life, and not talking about it generally makes it worse.  So, not having someone to perform the mercy killing for them, they endeavor to do it themselves.  Yes, it is an insurmountable pain to those close to the person, but their pain is usually nothing compared to that person's everyday struggle.

To set the record straight, I don't condone suicide, but neither to I condemn it.  People with a depression so deep are in a no win situation.